While I am in the midst of change, I am finding it harder everyday to find my identity. All my life I have wondered around continusly searching who I am outside of people. Every day I live with anxiety wondering and patiently waiting to find out who I am who God wants me to be. I don’t know who I am and that makes me feel very sad and scared. My life I have tried to find my identity through other people, wanting to know I fit in or I belong and not being able to know or recognize or understand is unbelievably stressful and hard and it leaves a gigantic hole which causes me to be distrustful. I have a hard trusting people myself and wanting to trust people-trust is not something that is built in a day. It takes time for it to nurture and to grow which also means baby steps are to be made. But I also realize it is not something that is just easily given either; if you want it you have to work for it. Just like respect. If you want people to see you for more than how they perceive you, then you have to know who you are first and then declare your boundaries.
I am not happy with myself with how I have made friendships or relationships, but if anything I am learning to be aware and understand that none of what I am doing is my fault-it is all learnt behavior that has been previously passed down to me for some generations. While I feel very scared to find a way to stand on my own without trying to find my identity through others and not keep hold onto unhealthy attachments I pray for serenity to believe I am worthy of love and that includes it coming from me instead of from other people. I realize I am not strong on my own and I lack a lot of inner courage and strength but I am done with the way I have been living my life.
Living a life from the view point of a door mat (a victim), allowing people to walk all over me, searching for acceptance in others, controlling myself to be perfect, reacting with passive aggressiveness, acting resentful towards others, feeling distrustful towards people who matter and who care about me, pushing people away and moving myself into isolation, feeling impatient with myself and with others, falling down the rabbit hole of a hundred of, “Why me’s!”, and last but not least, I want to end carrying around this nasty cycle of living learned through my parents and past generations-codependency. While I may not be proud about the fact that I have these issues or character defects, it is at least within my peripheral vision and to know and to seek peace to surrender everything I am not proud of and to watch to be made brand new.
Who I am hates who I’ve been.
But that doesn’t mean who I am cant learn to love what I can become.