I have a question for you all before I get this blog started:
Is it better to be known as a living dog or as a dead lion?
I will be taking a Q & A at the end of this blog!
Today was probably one of the hardest days I have had since starting on this “Inner Child” journey. Even getting the words out now is pretty hard.
I have my baby picture out-well me when I was three years old-and I haven’t looked at it since this morning and all I want to do is wrap her up in my arms and just cry along with her. Just her little smile breaks my heart. And her eyes almost crinkled shut. Her curly blonde hair, dry on the top and wet at the ends. She has her body slouched, resting side ways in the small kiddie pool at her grandparents house-the slide in the background. Wearing an old 70’s bathing suit from when her mom and siblings were growing up. Life back then sure was simple.
Back then, I wasn’t a patient child-if I wasn’t having fun, I did not want to be apart of it and I probably wouldn’t give you the time of day. Aubrey did as she pleased and she was okay with that. I am still like that to this day, although I have my reasons as to why I do what I do. And why I just do things in general.
What is hard about this moment is having to be patient and taking the time to get to know my inner child or baby Aubrey. I kind of just wish I already knew her, so I could move on to the next phase. Not to mention, forcing myself to work on therapy outside of school, work, group therapy, church, and social time, can be very draining. Some days I just want to hop in my car and drive away for the day to just get away from everything. I know that just because I leave some baggage behind doesn’t always mean it cant come to find me. My problems cant just go away, nor can they disappear and appear when I want them to.
I should have the song, “Getting to know you” playing at this moment as I am getting to know myself, well my younger self. I know some things about myself; I am a fighter, I am a believer, I am a lover, I am a doer, I am a go getter girl, I am spontaneous, I am outgoing, I am a fish out of water, I am also distracted. I am very much not in the moment. I am also very physically and mentally and probably emotionally tired as well.
As much as I am wanting to get something out, I wonder if it is something that I need at this particular moment. I want to take care of myself the best I can and learn to love myself in a healthier manner. God, I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew in this moment what is good for me and what isn’t. I keep looking at that little girl and keep thinking, “What does she need in order to be her full potential self? What can I give her to make her feel satisfied and happy?”
I was pretty much a mess at work today, even before the day began. I was running late to PT-I was just not feeling it this morning, but I worked my butt off and started working on new things to help regain strength in my quad muscles. I came home, made me a cup of much need coffee and a slice of banana bread, closed the door to the study, grabbed my bible(s), my notecards, a pen and highlighter, and I was ready to role.
Even before I began praying this morning, I knew I felt off-when Will Smith’s Miami blared through my speakers driving home I knew I was faking “happy.” I put the picture of little Aubs up and began crying and praying. I knew I wasn’t feeling anything today. It wasn’t until I read today’s scripture in Ecclesiastes chapter 9:3-4.
“The hearts of the children of man are full of evil, and madness is in their hearts while they live, and after they go to the dead. But he who is joined with the living has hope; for a living dog is better than a dead lion.”
I want for all of you to just really sit and ponder with this; I really want to give God a chance to speak into your hearts like he did mine.
Now that I am thinking about it, I didn’t meditate at all today, and I think that in itself is weighing a lot on me too. I didn’t give myself a chance to fully wake up and help myself become present in the world. Today was the weakest I have felt in a long time.
I know God is trying to teach me things, I truly do believe that. It is just if I am up for listening to him; as to which I am working on it. I am trying to be more present in the moment and wanting to give all my issues away to God. I am wanting to express my emotions and who I am to other people, but this healing process is a lot harder than I could ever imagine.
I go to bed with my issues still locked in my brain and I just pray, ” I hope my thoughts will let me sleep tonight.” I don’t give my issues to God. I don’t take time out of my day at work to ask for his patience or his love. I literally carried everything with me, not even giving myself a chance to just take a second and breathe. I couldn’t be what I needed in order to be my best self at work today. I couldn’t be what God needed in order to get a job done.
No matter my circumstances living is better than dying. Giving is better than receiving. Giving all my issues and worries to God is better than taking them to the grave. Living with hope means living and doing with others-letting ourselves become open and free has more perks.
Talking with God is the beginning. Being honest with God is the start.
All I can say to myself in this moment is to “Let Go. And Let God.”