Just looking at you makes me want to cry.
Watching how happy you are in that moment makes me ever wonder, “Is that really me?” You look so innocent and if I could I would hold you in this moment. I want to hold you because you have needed it now more than ever. I need it now more than ever.
Writing to you is probably the hardest thing I am having to do in my life. I have been trying for seven years to forget you and running far away from what you continue to remind me every day. I wish I could have known you sooner and I wish I was smart enough to wrap you up and never let you go, but I was beaten down to the ground waiting for the sun to shine.
I am so sorry for what you had to endure with your parents; you were not given a fair fight. You took more risks than you did chances trying to protect the things that matter most to you. You did nothing wrong and it was not your fault. I know right now you don’t honestly believe that, but I believe in due time you will.
In this moment, I am having to learn to being gentle with myself, which also means being more gentle with you. If you want my honest opinion, part of me does not feel all that committed into writing this post. I have addressed you on a number of occasions when it has come to praying and talking with God, I keep your face with me where ever I go, but in this moment I feel farther away than I would like to be right now.
You had so much going for you despite what you grew up with-you had so much charisma that to think of you in past tense surprises me the little girl I used to be. You were a wildflower, you loved all and never not once looked fear in the eye, because there was nothing to fear. Despite it all, you continued to shine through on the rainiest days of your life. Through it all, you swam in the biggest oceans never concerned of the sharks stopping you in your ways.
It is not your fault you lost your way and it is not your fault for the mistakes you have made with yourself, with others, with school, and with God. Growing up within the chaotic and dysfunctional atmosphere that you did was patronizing. It was hard for people outside of your home to really understand you as you at the moment could not articulate the “why.” You knew from a young age-or so you have been told-what your daddy did to her mommy, but you couldn’t understand why and to this day I still cannot give you a full or a correct answer. You have been through so much as it is, baby girl. You’ve endured enough pain to know it wasn’t right. You have seen the lowest of the lows to understand that it wasn’t what you wanted and you weren’t going to settle for less.
I am seeing you now more clearly than I have before; your smile is contagious and so are your distant giggles of the past. You had a vision, but life had other intensions; things that were far fetched out of your control. This was happening long before you were even thought of and it became your problem to fix. You had a lot going for you and you had a lot of things that you had to give up on.
Your mom taught you about God, but she unfortunately could not be the example or the role model you needed in order to be your potential self. Your father and his belligerent outburst were not helping you step into yourself like you needed. While home life was something unexplainable, so was school. Keeping friends was also out of the box as your father consistently told you he hates your friends. There were a lot of good ones in the beginning, but we will hit middle school Aubrey later on. I feel like I need to give you majority of the attention as you were the start of it all.
I know a lot of people have left you and I know a lot of people have criticized you while you were growing up in preschool. There was that one girl named Allie, who wasn’t the best person around. Although, I cant really understand who you actually were in that moment either. I know at times it was hard for people to understand you as you had a more open personality than I can remember. You were just the life of the party-just wanting to have fun.
Aubrey, it is not your fault. I am imagining looking at you and your angelic face and telling you, it is not your fault. You need to hear and know that. You could not have controlled this outcome even if God set you up to it-which he didn’t. I know this hard for you to understand, but people need to learn to be accountable for their actions. They need to learn that it is not okay to manipulate you into thinking everything you do is shit, because that is not the case. You have had a lot of people in the past take you down to their level which is NOT okay! It is not okay for your parents to have blamed you for what you did when they themselves could not be accountable for themselves. Your parents had a responsibility to you, and THEY FAILED YOU! IT IS NOT YOU THAT FAILED THEM< BUT THEY THAT FAILED YOU. You were just an innocent by standard trapped in chaos. You did everything you could to be the best of your ability and your knowledge.
Life was terrifying for you as everything that was happening around you contradicted each other. You knew right from wrong, yet life was not being the best example. You handled yourself the best that you could and that is all that really matters.
This is just the beginning between the two of us. I feel like you have a lot to show me and a lot to tell me of who the real Aubrey is. I want to make a promise that I WANT to keep for you and for me.
I pray that God continues to show me who you are and allows for me to be gentle in every moment I encounter. I pray to be gentle with you when you are trying to tell me you need to be held. When you need to have someone pay attention to you for just a moment. I pray that I can give you what you need in that moment and I allow nothing to distract me. I pray that I allow no one to get in between us. I pray that you can give me more insight about who I am and allowing myself to lean on God in these times of trouble.
Little Aubs, welcome to the beginning. It is nice to finally meet you.