Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Been

IMG_8196 (1)

While I am in the midst of change, I am finding it harder everyday to find my identity.  All my life I have wondered around continusly searching who I am outside of people. Every day I live with anxiety wondering and patiently waiting  to  find out who I am who God wants me to be. I don’t know who I am and that makes me feel very sad and scared. My life I have tried to find my identity through other people, wanting to know I fit in or I belong and not being able to know or recognize or understand is unbelievably stressful and hard and it leaves a gigantic hole which causes me to be distrustful. I have a hard trusting people myself and wanting to trust people-trust is not something that is built in a day. It takes time for it to nurture and to grow which also means baby steps are to be made. But I also realize it is not something that is just easily given either; if you want it you have to work for it. Just like respect. If you want people to see you for more than how they perceive you, then you have to know who you are first and then declare your boundaries.

I am not happy with myself with how I have made friendships or relationships, but if anything I am learning to be aware and understand that none of what I am doing is my fault-it is all learnt behavior that has been previously passed down to me for some generations. While I feel very scared to find a way to stand on my own without trying to find my identity through others and not keep hold onto unhealthy attachments I pray for serenity to believe I am worthy of love and that includes it coming from me instead of from other people. I realize I am not strong on my own and I lack a lot of inner courage and strength but I am done with the way I have been living my life.

Living a life from the view point of a door mat (a victim), allowing people to walk all over me, searching for acceptance in others, controlling myself to be perfect, reacting with passive aggressiveness, acting resentful towards others, feeling distrustful towards people who matter and who care about me, pushing people away and moving myself into isolation, feeling impatient with myself and with others, falling down the rabbit hole of a hundred of, “Why me’s!”, and last but not least, I want to end carrying around this nasty cycle of living learned through my parents and past generations-codependency. While I may not be proud about the fact that I have these issues or character defects, it is at least within my peripheral vision and to know and to seek peace to surrender everything I am not proud of and to watch to be made brand new.

Who I am hates who I’ve been.

But that doesn’t mean who I am cant learn to love what I can become.

Advertisements

Patience.

I have a question for you all before I get this blog started:

Is it better to be known as a living dog or as a dead lion?

I will be taking a Q & A at the end of this blog!

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Today was probably one of the hardest days I have had since starting on this “Inner Child” journey. Even getting the words out now is pretty hard.

I have my baby picture out-well me when I was three years old-and I haven’t looked at it since this morning and all I want to do is wrap her up in my arms and just cry along with her. Just her little smile breaks my heart. And her eyes almost crinkled shut. Her curly blonde hair, dry on the top and wet at the ends. She has her body slouched, resting side ways in the small kiddie pool at her grandparents house-the slide in the background. Wearing an old 70’s bathing suit from when her mom and siblings were growing up. Life back then sure was simple.

Back then, I wasn’t a patient child-if I wasn’t having fun, I did not want to be apart of it and I probably wouldn’t give you the time of day. Aubrey did as she pleased and she was okay with that. I am still like that to this day, although I have my reasons as to why I do what I do. And why I just do things in general.

What is hard about this moment is having to be patient and taking the time to get to know my inner child or baby Aubrey. I kind of just wish I already knew her, so I could move on to  the next phase. Not to mention, forcing myself to work on therapy outside of school, work, group therapy, church, and social time, can be very draining. Some days I just want to hop in my car and drive away for the day to just get away from everything. I know that just because I leave some baggage behind doesn’t always mean it cant come to find me. My problems cant just go away, nor can they disappear and appear when I want them to.

I should have the song, “Getting to know you” playing at this moment as I am getting to know myself, well my younger self. I know some things about myself; I am a fighter, I am a believer, I am a lover, I am a doer, I am a go getter girl, I am spontaneous, I am outgoing, I am a fish out of water, I am also distracted. I am very much not in the moment. I am also very physically and mentally and probably emotionally tired as well.

As much as I am wanting to get something out, I wonder if it is something that I need at this particular moment. I want to take care of myself the best I can and learn to love myself in a healthier manner. God, I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew in this moment what is good for me and what isn’t. I keep looking at that little girl and keep thinking, “What does she need in order to be her full potential self? What can I give her to make her feel satisfied and happy?”

I was pretty much a mess at work today, even before the day began. I was running late to PT-I was just not feeling it this morning, but I worked my butt off and started working on new things to help regain strength in my quad muscles. I came home, made me a cup of much need coffee and a slice of banana bread, closed the door to the study, grabbed my bible(s), my notecards, a pen and highlighter, and I was ready to role.

Even before I began praying this morning, I knew I felt off-when Will Smith’s Miami blared through my speakers driving home I knew I was faking “happy.” I put the picture of little Aubs up and began crying and praying. I knew I wasn’t feeling anything today. It wasn’t until I read today’s scripture in Ecclesiastes chapter 9:3-4.

“The hearts of the children of man are full of evil, and madness is in their hearts while they live, and after they go to the dead. But he who is joined with the living has hope; for a living dog is better than a dead lion.”

I want for all of you to just really sit and ponder with this; I really want to give God a chance to speak into your hearts like he did mine.

Now that I am thinking about it, I didn’t meditate at all today, and I think that in itself is weighing a lot on me too. I didn’t give myself a chance to fully wake up and help myself become present in the world. Today was the weakest I have felt in a long time.

I know God is trying to teach me things, I truly do believe that. It is just if I am up for listening to him; as to which I am working on it. I am trying to be more present in the moment and wanting to give all my issues away to God. I am wanting to express my emotions and who I am to other people, but this healing process is a lot harder than I could ever imagine.

I go to bed with my issues still locked in my brain and I just pray, ” I hope my thoughts will let me sleep tonight.” I don’t give my issues to God. I don’t take time out of my day at work to ask for his patience or his love. I literally carried everything with me, not even giving myself a chance to just take a second and breathe. I couldn’t be what I needed in order to be my best self at work today. I couldn’t be what God needed in order to get a job done.

No matter my circumstances living is better than dying. Giving is better than receiving. Giving all my issues and worries to God is better than taking them to the grave. Living with hope means living and doing with others-letting ourselves become open and free has more perks.

Talking with God is the beginning. Being honest with God is the start.

All I can say to myself in this moment is to “Let Go. And Let God.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Younger Me.

Dear Aubrey,

Just looking at you makes me want to cry.

Watching how happy you are in that moment makes me ever wonder, “Is that really me?” You look so innocent and if I could I would hold you in this moment. I want to hold you because you have needed it now more than ever. I need it now more than ever.

Writing to you is probably the hardest thing I am having to do in my life. I have been trying for seven years to forget you and running far away from what you continue to remind me every day. I wish I could have known you sooner and I wish I was smart enough to wrap you up and never let you go, but I was beaten down to the ground waiting for the sun to shine.

I am so sorry for what you had to endure with your parents; you were not given a fair fight. You took more risks than you did chances trying to protect the things that matter most to you. You did nothing wrong and it was not your fault. I know right now you don’t honestly believe that, but I believe in due time you will.

In this moment, I am having to learn to being gentle with myself, which also means being more gentle with you. If you want my honest opinion, part of me does not feel all that committed into writing this post. I have addressed you on a number of occasions when it has come to praying and talking with God, I keep your face with me where ever I go, but in this moment I feel farther away than I would like to be right now.

You had so much going for you despite what you grew up with-you had so much charisma that to think of you in past tense surprises me the little girl I used to be. You were a wildflower, you loved all and never not once looked fear in the eye, because there was nothing to fear. Despite it all, you continued to shine through on the rainiest days of your life. Through it all, you swam in the biggest oceans never concerned of the sharks stopping you in your ways.

It is not your fault you lost your way and it is not your fault for the mistakes you have made with yourself, with others, with school, and with God. Growing up within the chaotic and dysfunctional atmosphere that you did was patronizing. It was hard for people outside of your home to really understand you as you at the moment could not articulate the “why.” You knew from a young age-or so you have been told-what your daddy did to her mommy, but you couldn’t understand why and to this day I still cannot give you a full or a correct answer. You have been through so much as it is, baby girl. You’ve endured enough pain to know it wasn’t right. You have seen the lowest of the lows to understand that it wasn’t what you wanted and you weren’t going to settle for less.

I am seeing you now more clearly than I have before; your smile is contagious and so are your distant giggles of the past. You had a vision, but life had other intensions; things that were far fetched out of your control. This was happening long before you were even thought of and it became your problem to fix. You had a lot going for you and you had a lot of things that you had to give up on.

Your mom taught you about God, but she unfortunately could not be the example or the role model you needed in order to be your potential self. Your father and his belligerent outburst were not helping you step into yourself like you needed. While home life was something unexplainable, so was school. Keeping friends was also out of the box as your father consistently told you he hates your friends. There were a lot of good ones in the beginning, but we will hit middle school Aubrey later on. I feel like I need to give you majority of the attention as you were the start of it all.

I know a lot of people have left you and I know a lot of people have criticized you while you were growing up in preschool. There was that one girl named Allie, who wasn’t the best person around. Although, I cant really understand who you actually were in that moment either. I know at times it was hard for people to understand you as you had a more open personality than I can remember. You were just the life of the party-just wanting to have fun.

Aubrey, it is not your fault. I am imagining looking at you and your angelic face and telling you, it is not your fault. You need to hear and know that. You could not have controlled this outcome even if God set you up to it-which he didn’t. I know this hard for you to understand, but people need to learn to be accountable for their actions. They need to learn that it is not okay to manipulate you into thinking everything you do is shit, because that is not the case. You have had a lot of people in the past take you down to their level which is NOT okay! It is not okay for your parents to have blamed you for what you did when they themselves could not be accountable for themselves. Your parents had a responsibility to you, and THEY FAILED YOU! IT IS NOT YOU THAT FAILED THEM< BUT THEY THAT FAILED YOU. You were just an innocent by standard trapped in chaos. You did everything you could to be the best of your ability and your knowledge.

Life was terrifying for you as everything that was happening around you contradicted each other. You knew right from wrong, yet life was not being the best example. You handled yourself the best that you could and that is all that really matters.

This is just the beginning between the two of us. I feel like you have a lot to show me and a lot to tell me of who the real Aubrey is. I want to make a promise that I WANT to keep for you and for me.

I pray that God continues to show me who you are and allows for me to be gentle in every moment I encounter. I pray to be gentle with you when you are trying to tell me you need to be held. When you need to have someone pay attention to you for just a moment. I pray that I can give you what you need in that moment and I allow nothing to distract me. I pray that I allow no one to get in between us. I pray that you can give me more insight about who I am and allowing myself to lean on God in these times of trouble.

Little Aubs, welcome to the beginning. It is nice to finally meet you.

Acceptance.

lecrae

I remember I used to write for the fun of it and because I was GOOD at it. I had finally found something to my nature and calling. It was my junior year of high school-new changes and new beginnings. The only way I could let out any sort of emotions were through my English class ( not to mention my English teacher was a total hottie!) Once I had gotten a few papers back from him, I was all about the next paper due.

Fast forward to when I was eighteen and I moved to Charlotte, NC. I was completely scared out of my mind-I was all alone. I had no job, had to wait a couple of months for school to start. I was very overwhelmed. I soon found this site and began to blog or write small stories. Without knowing, writing became my source of releasing all sorts of emotions and it became a source of recovery for me.

And then all of a sudden, I stopped. Life got in the way, people started coming and going, I moved from one place to another within a matter of years. I lost myself through all the running I had been doing. I started playing the blame game on myself and let myself go through all the guilt and pain I have been holding onto. My life is far from perfect and so am I as a human being. I slowly lost myself trying to find myself in other people which is still a habit I am trying to walk away from.

You see, what really matters is what I think about myself, not what others think of me. I have made mistakes and I have let people down, but that was only because others had high expectations I unfortunately could not meet. As I am writing this, I want this to be my little inspiration of hope to others-YOU MATTER! No matter where you come from or what people have told you and what you repetitively tell yourself, YOU FREAKING MATTER!

I Matter.

I Am Accepted.

I Am Loved.

I Am Appreciated.

I Am Worth it.

Life happens when we do and I want this little glimmer of hope to help bring some peace to your mind as it slowly reals me back in to where my acceptance first started.

Welcome to my journey.

Welcome to Acceptance.