IDK?!.

I honestly wish I could tell you what I am thinking, believing, and or wanting in this exact moment, but I honestly cant really give you an honest answer. All I can say is things are changing. I don’t know if it is for better or for worse, but things are changing.

Things I used to care about, I don’t care about at all anymore. Such as people pleasing, school, work, family, friends, church, etc. I am so tired of putting on a show for people and making it seem like I have my life in order when I actually don’t. I don’t feel depressed-I still have some energy to bank on.

Things just aren’t as important to me anymore. I feel many things within this moment yes but I have no idea what to base my life off anymore. Everything I used to trust feels untrustworthy. Everything I enjoyed are turning into meaningless moments. I feel so heartbroken and lost as I have no idea who I am anymore. And what I want anymore.

If I stay angry it keeps me at a distance-it keeps me in bitterness. But if I forgive…well, I don’t know. I don’t know what to think. Things could actually change; and I mean change for the better. Whatever that may be. If I give up control, things might actually go along smoothly and I may actually learn to stand up for myself and plead the 5th whenever I pleased without feeling guilty.

God, I feel you changing me. I feel your presence in my life, but this is all very complicated. And very heartbreaking. Did I mention that already? I cry every day, more than once, for myself and for the little girl who was never able to be herself. I cry everyday for the days and nights we both lost the war. I just don’t understand why people would want to manipulate, control, enable, and emotionally, verbally, and physically abuse another, but thanks to others, they have put that on me and not only was I doing it to myself I was doing it to others.

I didn’t deserve what happened to me and I honestly just don’t know how to forgive these people. I just feel completely devastated and heartbroken. Just heartbroken. I didn’t and I still don’t deserve it.

WOW:

” Do not leave your job just because your boss is angry at you. Remaining calm solves great problems.” ~Ecclesiastes 10:4

Just because times get rough and people become impatient or hard to handle and manage does not mean that we take cover and run. When we stand firm in who we are as a human being, we realize that these emotions of anger are bigger than us and learn to deal with this issue in a more respectable manner. Bitterness solves nothing; it keeps you locked up in hate. Learning to let go brings a lot of strength and peace. God shows us that forgiveness can take us farther than we ever could ourselves.

I see the light every time I let go. No one ever said recovery would be easy, but if it were, everyone would be doing it.

 

Advertisements

Gentleness.

Something that I feel has been on my heart lately is being able to feel secure in growth. Today’s sermon in church moved me in more ways than one; how I interact with myself in pain and suffering and how I handle and interact with others as they themselves are encountering in pain and suffering.

Most of you don’t know this, but I come from a broken and dysfunctional family, my parents, and then my intermediate family on both sides of my parents. I guess you could say I never had a chance or a choice for that matter. And for the past 23 years of my life, the last 7 have been the hardest ever to come to terms with. Life got really hard once I hit middle school. It was completely and utterly out of my control what happened to me. I remember for the longest time when things got low, I tried so hard to take control of my circumstance and wanted to make a run for it. I almost got away with it too, if it weren’t for my meddling parents.

You see, my dad is and was an alcoholic, a raging alcoholic for that matter. Growing up, I remember hearing and watching majority of the fights that went on in the kitchen and dining room. I remember hearing my dad threaten my mom and my little body would boil up with rage-mind you I was between the ages of 6-8 when all this stuff was going on. I even remember being in preschool and crying and screaming for my parents attention to stop fighting and playing loud music. I was very sensitive with my environment, but I was also a badass that could not be reckoned with.

In sixth grade, I lost my mom to a mental breakdown. Throughout my middle school days, my mom had been in the hospital for a maximum of 4 times. Life got very confusing at that time, and so did the beatings. I couldn’t understand why God was allowing this to happen. My dad at the time had no jobs, we were living in and out different hotels around the area my entire sixth and seventh grade years. I didn’t make the best of friends and I most definitely became very fearful of people in school. Before all this mess occurred, I was this very outgoing kid who enjoyed being in theater productions, chorus productions, and dance productions. I was a very artsy and creative kid. I at one point even joined chess club my fifth grade year of grammar school. Life for me had been going swell academically.

Up until the age of 16, I lived with my parents, planning escape routs, hiding various phone numbers in my bra hoping that if I had a chance to “leave” I would have a second plan. I spent days at school day dreaming, hiding from plain sight, and trying to catch up on some sleep. When DSS got involved, I was forced to leave my mom, my dog, my home, and my dad who I just wanted to love me. I spent a lot of years being the care taker for my entire family, taking verbal, emotional, and physical beatings, begging my mom to take me out of my home, drawing up plans for how I was going to escape or how I was going to see another day. My teenage years were all about danger and fear.

The last 7 years still have not been an easy route as I continuously receive emotional abuse from my mom’s family, but I am learning to curve my reactions. Recently, I have been introduced to the name, “Adult Child,” which is something I am still trying to process, although as I am writing this post, the dots are connecting in my head. It means I am still living my life as an adult and reacting to certain situations I would if I were a child still living in the chaos with my parents. When I moved in with my aunt and uncle four years ago, life became really depressing as a lot of changes were happening. Even though I wanted these changes, they just weren’t coming the way I was hoping or had planned in my head. At the time, I had spent two years ignoring and hating God. I had spent the last two years living in three different homes, befriending codependent drug addicts, changing who I was to be accepted into the codependent drug addicts because I did not like who I was and where I came from. My aunt and uncle were controlling and manipulative to my feelings, which has caused a rock and a hard place between us. I have found out more about my family that I would care to know, and I cut off my emotions for two years so I could get over a boy I had “feelings” for.

For years, I have blamed and became very angry with God for not interceding into  my situation and for helping me stay safe. At some points I still feel like I am holding a grudge on God. I want to believe God is good and I want to believe that God cares for me and in some ways more than one I am finding that to be true and possible, but I am still very upset over the matter of my parents. Its not really God who I am angry at, it is my parents as they were supposed to be the ones to enforce unconditional love, to enforce role model like behavior, to protect me and put my needs and wants before their own. I was their responsibility and they let me down.

I have found that “lamenting” has been helping me get over some of my issues as it is helping reinforce the little girl inside me who I lost to a traumatic event. Just knowing that God is listening to me is all that I need. Growing up, I just needed someone to just listen-not talk!-but to listen and to just be present in all that I was and still am going through. I didn’t get a chance to grow up in confidence in knowing who I am and knowing who I want and still want to be. But I am finding that the more time I spend with God and his word, I am able to feel and be something I haven’t been able to be or feel my entire life-gentle.

In church today, my pastor read from chapter Ephesians and asked us, “What is it that God is stirring in my our hearts? Is it Patience?  Is it humility? Is it Love? Is it Unity? Is it Gentleness?” When it comes to praying with God, the one thing I feel with him that I lack in my social life is being present with gentleness. I have always had people pushing me into doing and being what they all wanted or what life and my home situations were pushing me away from. I have never been able to really feel gentle with myself. It’s not that I am a fragile china doll, but in the moment of feeling and being gentle, I feel more connected to myself than ever before. This world and the people around me are calling me to be something I cant be. I put so much pressure on myself just to survive so I don’t have to hear any backlash from people.

If anything, my prayer is to sit in the presence of God and feel his gentleness rub off on me. So I can sit with my mini me and just let her be known and to be heard.

 

 

 

 

 

 

God’s Plan

By the grace of God, I am no longer who I once was and by the grace of god I am not yet still who I want to be. I am still growing.

I have done my fair share of beating up on myself and others. I have made myself the victim and wanted the, “Woe is me,” playing card. It is how I have gained other’s attention. I guess you could call that savage.

It has also been brought up to my attention that I also make myself seem like I am a bigger and badder person than what I really am. I don’t know why I don’t feel the need to be myself or why it absolutely matters if I have support from people.

I don’t really know the true meaning of what it means to be in God’s presence. I kind of flip it more towards the other way around. Like God is lucky to be in my presence. I don’t let myself act calm or to motionless, still, and quiet. When I am without his presence I can feel the anxiety of this world and the expectations weigh on me as a person.

I am still trying to learn who I am. I will never be the same person everyday for I am still growing. At the same time, I have admitted to myself-a little-that I like a guy whom I work with. And everytime I think about him or am with him, I am just constantly beating myself up around him and I don’t know why. It’s not like I am signing my life away to him. His touch is so gentle and so are his eyes and his words and it makes me cry to think that I cant get myself to touch him or for him to touch me. And I mean this in all innocence. And I really honestly want to like him and to just be with him; its the excitement and the thrill. But I think it just that that is what scares me most. Having fun and growing in love. Something I feel as if I have never done.

And when I am around him it just seems to become harder and harder to want to be myself because of how in in control I will be in. It’s not that I like control or order, but it’s been my safety belt for so long. I guess as my pastor has said, “Get out of the bumbo, you Dumbo. There is a time and a place to grow up. Mature now into the word of God, and be prepared to grow.”

It is time I start to give God my undivided attention and learn to grow in the truth of love. I need God in this moment more than ever.

Ephesians 4:13-16

“Until we attain the unity of faith and of the knowledge of the son of God, to mature manhood to the measure of the stature of the fullness of Christ, so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes. Rather speaking truth in love we are to grow up n every way into him who is the head of Christ from whom the whole body joined and held together by every joint with which it is equipped when each part is working properly makes the body grow so that it builds itself.”

While typing this I have realized that by choosing not grow in love or in maturity, I am failing of being able to be my own person and to be tossed by every wave of emotions that over comes me. By choosing not to be set in Christ, I will fall for the first living thing that breathes and moves. If I am not careful and try to protect myself and learn to feed myself on my own, I will not fully be capable to function on my own as an adult. As for this boy I have feelings with/boy, I am going to have to learn to feed something for myself I have never really been able to be. I am going to have to grow up in my own way and my own sets of wants and needs and learn to just grow together in our differences.

This is where my loving parent comes in.

 

 

Triggered

It has taken me awhile to want to address my feelings per say an issue I was involved in this past weekend. I have been trying to fake fine and seem like everything is all right, but deep down, I am hurting a lot on the inside.

I am in a lot of emotional pain at this moment, maybe even a whole bunch of fear is being weighed down on me as well. All of last week as you know has been very emotional for me and also very heartbreaking as well. Regardless of how I am feeling, I still keep it professional at work. I may not have been putting on a warm and fuzzy smile, but I have still been doing my job to the best of my ability.

These two old ladies come in; they take their time looking within the pastry case at some of the food and drinks displayed within the pastry case. The first old woman was a bit slow, but I was able to work with her on her drink and food order. The second lady mind you was a bit rough around the edges; very tense and irritable. I tried working with as best as I could, but I don’t think anything was going to please her. I asked her for her name on her cup before she could go on with her order, which she showed a bit irritation, but I wasn’t going to let her get me down, and then asked she wanted her food item toasted or warmed up which she grumpily gave me a reply. As she is getting ready to pay for her order, she is about to hand me a $50 bill; I stopped her in mid process explaining to her that I was sorry but it is against our store policy to accept anything bigger than a $20. She looked defeated and hung her head trying to look for another way to pay. After about a minute she came up for air saying she was not going to buy anything and told me in a hushed voice, “I am very disappointed. I have been coming here for over three years,” and I honestly couldn’t tell you the rest that she said because I wasn’t really interested in her nasty attitude. I apologized again for the inconvenience and went about my way. I wasn’t really bothered by it; stuff like that happens all the time.

Well it wasn’t until an hour later that the lady came back only pestering my coworker. I was in the middle of making one of the customer’s drinks while talking with one of my friends when my body froze up after I wasn’t even finished putting whipped cream on a Frappuccino. I remembering hearing the lady continuously ask my co worker for my name and became very rude and ugly to my coworker when she tried explaining that again it against store policy to break anything higher than a $20 as we have more customers to serve with cash and if we run out, it is on us and is our faults. I remember I couldn’t even speak in confidence calling out the order and name of said drink; I just remember feeling very scared. I know it wasn’t me who was scared, but my inner child.

For that lady to come back and accuse me and my coworker and try to start a fight with us was all on her.  As employees, we did the best that we could. As a human being, I did the best I could under the circumstances. I just remember my body being triggered to the sound of her voice and how violent her actions and words were. It was just pulling me back and triggering me into something I wasn’t expecting.

I should technically be over it by now, but my body and my emotions are far from being able to process everything. When it happened, my inner critical parent came about and started criticizing me which it has not completely and fully stopped. There is nothing I could have done to have made that situation any better. I fully believe within that moment that I did the best I could under the circumstances. For someone to have wrongfully accuse me over something that is out of my control reminded me a lot of what my dad did to me when I was a kid. To be wrongfully accused and to feel guilty by someone else causing guilt was very terrifying.

I started to cry and I wanted to cry, but my coworkers told me it wasn’t worth it. But I should have taken a moment and gone into the back and let my feelings flow. It wasn’t myself that specifically needed tending to, but my little me and I let her down without realizing it. And I am so sorry. These critical parent phrases that keep popping up in my head are not and have never come from me, but only from my parents, family, former friends, etc. People who have pushed me around and have placed high expectations on me that I could not keep up with.

I am only one human being and there is only so much I can do as a person, even for myself. So for people to selfishly place me as this rag doll or punching bag was and is wrong. This is MY life and I have every right to live it the way I please-within reason of course! For someone to place themselves as god and to push me around as if I don’t have a brain myself is continuously wrong.

At this moment I just feel beaten down and bruised. I feel so much emotional pain at this moment that it is just heartbreaking. To think I have been carrying this stuff around without knowing is just mind blowing.  I don’t mean to purposely criticize myself or allow for the voices of others, but it is really hard because that has-in a really sad way-been my source to make myself feel better. Because everybody else beat me up, why not me?

I realize these post are not for everyone and need to be read with a grain of salt. I am trying to reach an audience that has a similar past or view to help them in a sense. Plus, I have missed writing and feels good to get my thoughts out there. These posts can be for anyone and everyone; just know this is me trying to incorporate my work with my emotions and feelings as it has been a while since I haven’t been able to work with both.

As for todays WOW, I felt a lot coming from today’s scripture. Ecclesiastes speaks a lot of morbidity, but I also feel that it is real and raw honesty.

“Dead flies can make perfume stink in the same way a little foolishness can spoil wisdom. The heart of the wise leads to right, but the heart of a fool leads to wrong. Even in the way, fools can walk along the road, they show they are not wise; they show how stupid they are.” ~Ecclesiastes 10:1-3

I love the realness and rawness of this specific chapter as these people speak out about how vain people and society can become when we focus ourselves onto foolish things. It is like in chapter 3: there is a specific time and season for everything. There is a time to have fun, a time to work, a time to mourn, a time to laugh, etc. What I was able to get from these verses were: Wise men live with patience. Foolish men live with pride and ego.

To sit with patience means to sit with God. And when we sit with God, we get to know God and learn to love and know ourselves as He sees us.

well, I am going to call it a night.

May God Bless you!

 

 

 

 

Metamorphosis

I don’t sleep anymore and maybe it has to do with the fact I don’t let myself or I just get really tired of crying and feeling sad all the time.

I am looking for a way out.

I am not going to lie, recovery from childhood trauma is probably one of the hardest things I will ever have to accomplish in my lifetime. Acting as a solider in the war is nothing compared to what comes after. I know that some days will need to be consisted of laying in bed all day crying myself to slumber, but after a while it weighs on you completely.

Yesterday, one of my friends from group therapy drove me out to a farm like adventure and that honestly brought out my little me in a way I never thought I could and would ever imagine. To get to the core of myself, I had been going about it all wrong-I am allowing my inner child to come up for air, and let her feelings and thoughts to be known. To be honest, I have not been in the mood for anything lately-even random YouTube videos no longer do it for me. I was going to give myself time in the morning to have my usual routine with God, coffee, water, some breakfast, getting ready for the day, etc. And I waited until the last minute to even try and get out of bed, much less make my friend have to wait on me for at least 45 minutes. (Sorry, Em!)

I was honestly debating of canceling, but if I am allowing my younger me to do the talking, it was her who actually needed to go out and have some fun rather than myself. Animals have always and will always be one of hers and one of my favorite ways of decompressing; especially cows. Though, I blame my mom for that one. Seeing all the animals and being able to pet them and chase after them was by far one of my favorite adventures to add to the list. I know my younger self is in there and I know that when it comes to overcoming fears and boundaries, it is usually her doing the talking. I don’t know if she already came that way or what but nothing could ever stop or shield her from doing something she set her heart out to.

It was kind of like a couple years ago, when I was still living in Charlotte, North Carolina, my friend and I  picked up the hobby of rock climbing and I remember the both of us intently watching these kids climb the tallest wall and none of them showed an ounce of fear-fear was not even an option for them. I was certainly jealous of them and automatically hated them because I wasn’t able to do what they were doing ( I was still in the competition/conditional love stage.) At one point in my life I am sure I knew how to live life fearless, but I honestly just cant think of an example.

Being that I grew up in the environment I did I was very fearless, but I was also very triggered as well. The more that I think about it, it is not just that my younger self needs me, but I desperately need her more than I ever thought I could imagine. For years I have been running away from her needs and wants and now that she has my undivided attention-sometimes-I never realized how lost I became without her. She was the missing puzzle piece I have been searching for a long time. That little girl I envy is the girl I love and I would give her everything just to keep her alive. I may not know her fully, but I can see a light shining yonder for the both of us.

I don’t know what it was but it was like love at first pet, just being very open with the cow helped me understand a part of myself I never have really felt or knew existed. The baby cow wasn’t named, but I have been fighting on trying to name him and I think I may stick with the name, Freddy. I was petting him and loving all over him and at one point he laid down right in front of me wanting moooore (pun) loving and pettings. He was like this big gigantic puppy who was also very gentle and very loving.

31124353_383786702105966_4836397625022349312_n

I went to pet a chicken like I was an anxious kid, I held a baby chick, I pet a billy goat-we named him Billy. I danced and sang to an old favorite country song, we got to see herding dogs in action, we got to pet sheep. All in all, it wasn’t me who had so much fun, but baby Aubs. She enjoyed her little heart out and I don’t think I have experienced or felt her experience something that fun! Well not since dancing and roller skating and buying an unbelievable amount of whoopee cushions.

For the first time in a long time, I am actually feeling like myself. And I feel more connected to God in a way I never knew existed; he is speaking more to me and loving me which is allowing to speak to inner self and love my inner self the way she needs to. I was also telling my friend, Emily, that I have actually never felt like this in a friendship either-they have always been unhealthy attachments; a life or death situation. For the first time in a long time, I feel as if things are going the way they should and deserve. Not that the world or God is working in my favor but I am working with God and the World in their favor; I have some ownership in what I do or say and it feels nice. This also kind of reminds me of yesterday’s WOW:

Ecclesiastes 9:12

“No one knows what will happen next. Like a fish caught in a net, or a bird caught in a trap, people are trapped by evil when it falls on them.”

And as morbid as this chapter is in the bible, this chapter always speaks a lot of truth. When bad things happen or when we have done something wrong, it is so easy to get caught in the web of lies and trap ourselves. We end up falling into a deep and dark cycle of “woe is me” and the victim status. Now I realize that there are people out there that do not know any better when it comes to stuff like this, but for those who do, Shame on you and shame on me.

I have SO been there and done that now that I am not fighting with God anymore, I can actually see that within just a short amount of time I can finally give myself grace because God is giving me grace. God see’s my troubles and says, “Look at the bigger picture. There is more to this canvas than you can see now, but in this web of lies I am creating something far more beautiful and unique. Something no one else could ever create with their own hands.”

Now that I mention it, I was able to spell “metamorphosis” without any help on my spelling test ( I was six). I want to believe that word was made specifically for me. I can hear Hilary Duff’s song playing in the background. ( she was my idol growing up. I always loved getting her exact haircuts. 🙂

As today drags on, my new goal for myself this week is to seep into old habits that kept me from being connected to myself and God. If I need to cry, I am going to cry. If I need to sleep because my bags underneath my eyes will tell you I do, then heavens sake woman! SLEEP! if I am hungry, then grab a nitrous meal and drinks LOTS of water! Life is not meant to be played around with. If something is bothering me, then I need to damn well talk about it. God is always there patiently waiting and listening.

Today marks the new day.

 

 

Getting To Know You.

At this moment, I am a little spooked as something you never really think would happen, happens. I am apart of group therapy that unfortunately meets in a college drinking area/hangout. As the hour usually drags on between silences and cries, this man walks in drunk as can be and my body and mind slip into excitement mode/survival mode. As one of the members talks with him my fear was this was going to be the last minute I would see daylight hear on earth; I literally thought he was armed!

Thankfully, he did leave, but the entire time my body and my mind could no longer sit still-I was still panic mode as much like I am now. The drive back home was just as bad. I am hoping to sit still with my emotions in a bit and try and calm myself.

Today has been more relaxed than others and I actually needed and enjoyed it. PT was the same as usual and all the more still challenging as ever. My therapists are starting me on new moves every week which are definitely putting me back to where I need and want to be! Afterwards, I enjoyed a nice cup of coffee, a smoothie, and intently watched NBC’s Rise.  Afterwards, I pushed myself into completely my geography homework-which ya girl got an A! Whoop! Whoop! and then screwed around until group therapy.

I didn’t spend a whole lot of time with my younger self today, which is a good and bad thing. Today, I haven’t really felt like myself or felt like I was connected at all to myself. I could tell codependency was talking mostly today, well most of this week that is. I have been really sad all week-this reliving through the past stuff is taking a toll on my body, but I can tell you I have felt a little more connected to my younger self than I have in a longer time.

The one thing is bothering me is not being able to really just be myself whether I am around friends or by myself. It kind of dawned on me that when I laugh, I don’t actually know if I am laughing because something is funny or if I am laughing for attention. I mean I do find things to be funny but when it comes to hysterically laughing, I have found that I cannot do that. I want to laugh and I want to think things are funny. I am just trying to think how would my younger self laugh? How would she genuinely allow herself to smile and not control the smile? How would she allow herself to just be and not worry about other people?

I realize that what I am doing is codependency-making other people feel better by lowering myself or worrying about what people are thinking about me, but this a habit I have no idea how to break. I know that little girl wants to be free and to strut her stuff, but breaking the bad habits to get to the good habits takes a lot of time and a lot of hard work and dedication.

All in all, I really just want to wrap my younger self in a ball and just freaking hug her from everything she has or will endure. She has the most beautiful smile I have ever seen and the kindest eyes with the most angelic face-she honestly looks too sweet. How could anyone want to break her down? And why would they want to break her down? I realize her shine may sparkle and her head is to big for her britches, but why does anyone have to tear her apart to make themselves look and feel better? Just why?

I wish I felt you in this moment, but you are just very foreign to me. I wish I got to know you a long time ago, because you look like someone who loves unconditionally and who would go up to a perfect stranger to make their day better. God I believe that little girl has a heart of gold and she let herself shine without everyone else’s permission.

Today’s WOW consists of Ecclesiastes 9:10

” Whatever work you do, do your best because you are going to the grave, where there is no working, no planning, and no wisdom.”

My initial thought is life is a gift.  Do everything you can now. Enjoy life while you can because there will never be a place like Earth again. So eat, drink, and be merry. Do good in all that you can and work hard. Pick and choose your battles of what is important. Life is a unique and special gift: it’s time we start living like it.

As bleak and morbid as the scripture is written, there light being thrown in there. We are here for one minute and then we are gone: we must live life with much purpose as we can while loving each other and ourselves.

Until next time.

Let Go. Let God.

Heartbroken.

Today’s blog is going to be short and simple only because today was an extremely hard day for me.

At the end of yesterday’s blog I was talking about how I needed to pray to God before bed and I needed to learn to let go. Well, home girl did pray, but only because it became too late. I stayed on my phone two hours before bedtime and once the lights went out, my body had different intentions. I remember feeling emotional as I said the words out to God in the dark, but I could feel my body start to get fired up as if I were to have a panic attack or feel a lot of pain.

Going through this stuff is extremely hard-I can barely hold on and keep holding on for that matter. I am more tired than the day before and it is turning into a dirty cycle. I also woke up to my neck in a lot of extreme pain. I’m not sure if it is from sleep or if it stress being stuck in one place.

School was different as well. I have had the last two classes off and coming back, I felt like a brand new person. I spoke out freely about certain topics and became more interested in open discussion topics. It was very new for me.

I know God is wanting me to forgive and move on, but forgiving is a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. And I think I am talking about stuff that has happened between me and my family when I was in high school. As much as I want to forgive them, I just cant. They really screwed with my head to the point that I just flat out hate them. They made me look as if I were the enemy, as if everything were my fault. I was a freaking child for crying out loud who was taken away from her home, who had gone through an extreme measure of abuse from her parents, who lost everything, and I do mean everything.

When I still see family, I feel guilty for being locked up around them or not fully engaged with them or their life. And I hate that I make myself feel guilty around them, but they did me dirty. And I am just not ready to let go of my anger yet, much less to want to spend time with them. I have to hear all about their problems and for them to belittle my own-it’s not fair. It’s selfish is what it is. Then, if I am not acting like they want me to act, then god for bid, I am the enemy.

What I am going through is so much bigger than them and I wish they would see that and just give me my space. I don’t trust my family at all, because when I needed them  most they let me down. They said things to me they should have known better about. They should have done something with their anger towards my parents and barred the hatchet. I am so tired of making myself feel as if I am the bad guy, like it is all my fault.

I took a break today from my inner child work. I know my little me needs me and I am going to give her that time, but I just really need let some things sink in for a moment. I am a hurting mess all over and ya girl needs some rest.

Before I end, I wanted to leave you with a scripture that I read this morning and to ponder over it. I am not too sure if I gave it the interpretation it needed, but here we go!

“The living know they will die, but the dead know nothing. Dead people have no more reward, and people forget them. After people are dead, they can no longer love, hate, or envy. They will never again share in what happens here on Earth.” ~Ecclesiastes 9:5-6.

Let God. And let God.

 

 

Patience.

I have a question for you all before I get this blog started:

Is it better to be known as a living dog or as a dead lion?

I will be taking a Q & A at the end of this blog!

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

Today was probably one of the hardest days I have had since starting on this “Inner Child” journey. Even getting the words out now is pretty hard.

I have my baby picture out-well me when I was three years old-and I haven’t looked at it since this morning and all I want to do is wrap her up in my arms and just cry along with her. Just her little smile breaks my heart. And her eyes almost crinkled shut. Her curly blonde hair, dry on the top and wet at the ends. She has her body slouched, resting side ways in the small kiddie pool at her grandparents house-the slide in the background. Wearing an old 70’s bathing suit from when her mom and siblings were growing up. Life back then sure was simple.

Back then, I wasn’t a patient child-if I wasn’t having fun, I did not want to be apart of it and I probably wouldn’t give you the time of day. Aubrey did as she pleased and she was okay with that. I am still like that to this day, although I have my reasons as to why I do what I do. And why I just do things in general.

What is hard about this moment is having to be patient and taking the time to get to know my inner child or baby Aubrey. I kind of just wish I already knew her, so I could move on to  the next phase. Not to mention, forcing myself to work on therapy outside of school, work, group therapy, church, and social time, can be very draining. Some days I just want to hop in my car and drive away for the day to just get away from everything. I know that just because I leave some baggage behind doesn’t always mean it cant come to find me. My problems cant just go away, nor can they disappear and appear when I want them to.

I should have the song, “Getting to know you” playing at this moment as I am getting to know myself, well my younger self. I know some things about myself; I am a fighter, I am a believer, I am a lover, I am a doer, I am a go getter girl, I am spontaneous, I am outgoing, I am a fish out of water, I am also distracted. I am very much not in the moment. I am also very physically and mentally and probably emotionally tired as well.

As much as I am wanting to get something out, I wonder if it is something that I need at this particular moment. I want to take care of myself the best I can and learn to love myself in a healthier manner. God, I wish I knew what to do. I wish I knew in this moment what is good for me and what isn’t. I keep looking at that little girl and keep thinking, “What does she need in order to be her full potential self? What can I give her to make her feel satisfied and happy?”

I was pretty much a mess at work today, even before the day began. I was running late to PT-I was just not feeling it this morning, but I worked my butt off and started working on new things to help regain strength in my quad muscles. I came home, made me a cup of much need coffee and a slice of banana bread, closed the door to the study, grabbed my bible(s), my notecards, a pen and highlighter, and I was ready to role.

Even before I began praying this morning, I knew I felt off-when Will Smith’s Miami blared through my speakers driving home I knew I was faking “happy.” I put the picture of little Aubs up and began crying and praying. I knew I wasn’t feeling anything today. It wasn’t until I read today’s scripture in Ecclesiastes chapter 9:3-4.

“The hearts of the children of man are full of evil, and madness is in their hearts while they live, and after they go to the dead. But he who is joined with the living has hope; for a living dog is better than a dead lion.”

I want for all of you to just really sit and ponder with this; I really want to give God a chance to speak into your hearts like he did mine.

Now that I am thinking about it, I didn’t meditate at all today, and I think that in itself is weighing a lot on me too. I didn’t give myself a chance to fully wake up and help myself become present in the world. Today was the weakest I have felt in a long time.

I know God is trying to teach me things, I truly do believe that. It is just if I am up for listening to him; as to which I am working on it. I am trying to be more present in the moment and wanting to give all my issues away to God. I am wanting to express my emotions and who I am to other people, but this healing process is a lot harder than I could ever imagine.

I go to bed with my issues still locked in my brain and I just pray, ” I hope my thoughts will let me sleep tonight.” I don’t give my issues to God. I don’t take time out of my day at work to ask for his patience or his love. I literally carried everything with me, not even giving myself a chance to just take a second and breathe. I couldn’t be what I needed in order to be my best self at work today. I couldn’t be what God needed in order to get a job done.

No matter my circumstances living is better than dying. Giving is better than receiving. Giving all my issues and worries to God is better than taking them to the grave. Living with hope means living and doing with others-letting ourselves become open and free has more perks.

Talking with God is the beginning. Being honest with God is the start.

All I can say to myself in this moment is to “Let Go. And Let God.”