I honestly wish I could tell you what I am thinking, believing, and or wanting in this exact moment, but I honestly cant really give you an honest answer. All I can say is things are changing. I don’t know if it is for better or for worse, but things are changing.
Things I used to care about, I don’t care about at all anymore. Such as people pleasing, school, work, family, friends, church, etc. I am so tired of putting on a show for people and making it seem like I have my life in order when I actually don’t. I don’t feel depressed-I still have some energy to bank on.
Things just aren’t as important to me anymore. I feel many things within this moment yes but I have no idea what to base my life off anymore. Everything I used to trust feels untrustworthy. Everything I enjoyed are turning into meaningless moments. I feel so heartbroken and lost as I have no idea who I am anymore. And what I want anymore.
If I stay angry it keeps me at a distance-it keeps me in bitterness. But if I forgive…well, I don’t know. I don’t know what to think. Things could actually change; and I mean change for the better. Whatever that may be. If I give up control, things might actually go along smoothly and I may actually learn to stand up for myself and plead the 5th whenever I pleased without feeling guilty.
God, I feel you changing me. I feel your presence in my life, but this is all very complicated. And very heartbreaking. Did I mention that already? I cry every day, more than once, for myself and for the little girl who was never able to be herself. I cry everyday for the days and nights we both lost the war. I just don’t understand why people would want to manipulate, control, enable, and emotionally, verbally, and physically abuse another, but thanks to others, they have put that on me and not only was I doing it to myself I was doing it to others.
I didn’t deserve what happened to me and I honestly just don’t know how to forgive these people. I just feel completely devastated and heartbroken. Just heartbroken. I didn’t and I still don’t deserve it.
” Do not leave your job just because your boss is angry at you. Remaining calm solves great problems.” ~Ecclesiastes 10:4
Just because times get rough and people become impatient or hard to handle and manage does not mean that we take cover and run. When we stand firm in who we are as a human being, we realize that these emotions of anger are bigger than us and learn to deal with this issue in a more respectable manner. Bitterness solves nothing; it keeps you locked up in hate. Learning to let go brings a lot of strength and peace. God shows us that forgiveness can take us farther than we ever could ourselves.
I see the light every time I let go. No one ever said recovery would be easy, but if it were, everyone would be doing it.